have u ever been in a mood to destroy your relationship with everyone you know
i keep chasing after ghosts and few truly matter.
+ for _______
- i’m very tired of going 0-60 and then 60-0
- i want to sleep peacefully and wake up refreshed
+ you know nothing
+ one day this will all be stories to tell
- how many days until i’m there?
+ you’re already this far
+ giving up is for losers
- a number, a face, a parasite
+ negativity could be attributed to chemical reactions and biology
- is this all real or forced?
- anger, desolation, pathetic desperation. confusion. coward
- living paradox
+ for yourself
- you kind of already tried.
critical thinking question: is it all me? what now? too emotional? too logical? talking, praying, doing, listing?
upset because i typed up two paragraphs trying to talk about saturday, socks, pillowcases (pathetic) and thoughts on symmetry in nature and how everything seem to be in pairs and that i’m thinking of you but now i can’t really say anythng clearly. i reread and i’m trying to makes no sense and i just got disappointed that i can’t explain what’s in my head so i just gave up. again.
sometimes it’s really difficult because i don’t know if i’m upset because i should be or if because of science.
it’s really tiring to have to process it logically and ask yourself “why does this cause this reaction in me?” “is this something i should be concerned about?” which is kind of stupid because i just shove it some place and ignore it until it clears out or the shit really hits the fan. kind of like pretending you’ll call to fix the wrongly sent bill but you don’t and then suddenly you have to do it because now a collection agency is calling and you may have dented your credit. or kind of like shoving a report card in your drawer until you get 5 demerits for it being late. it doesn’t make any sense because it could’ve been solved at the very start. you could have made that call. you could have forged your parent’s signature like all the other times you had crappy results.
the whole premise is just stupid in the first place because you know hypothetically how to fix the problem, but you don’t.
i guess what i’m trying to say is that there’s this confusion of whether this will stay or if it will pass.
maybe you’re still hoping you’ll wake up one morning and everything will go away and fix itself.
You know what’s disconcerting? New names. You know someone by one name and suddenly they tell you “oh I don’t go by that anymore, i’m….”
It’s just a reminder that you only know a person by an identity forged on who they were at the moment. It’s a reminder to put effort into learning all their names and dimensions.
I like writing brief thoughts on here. It’s neat, easily accessible, and I feel an urge to limit myself as opposed to endlessly rambling on paper.
+ i don’t waste an entire page in a journal because I can’t write more than two concise sentences.
- the nice notebooks I promised to fill with words worthy of its smooth pages, firm binding, and perfect cover are empty and another reminder of lost possibilities.
+ a hope that someone will one day read it and feel the way I do.
- contradictory fear that everyone will know everything and will use it against me.
I turn everything into being about me. What was that quote again? Even a poor man would believe that he held the universe in his hands.
I think i want this to encompass an entire life of memories but that’s impossible. Is there anything that could contain this other than a human being? There is the written word and computers
Is this expression or narcissism?
not sure if we wake up to prepare ourselves to live or to die
It took forever and plenty of loss, but I think this finally might be it. Yes, I still chase after ghosts and spend time archiving it and fixate on details that don’t matter. I”ll hoard, pace, and rashly throw away.This is just a baby step, but I’m happy making one.